The Holmes Brothers Fighting Experience
by lazybum89
Summary: How did John and Lestrade know not to interfere between Sherlock and Mycroft having a little row between each other? Experience, painful experience… A one-shot that goes along with my other story 'It All Started in a Bank' but can be read alone.


Disclaimer: I don't own Sherlock… it belongs to its respective owners of which I am not… Although if I was that would be pretty awesome... not gonna lie.

A/N: This story takes place some time before 'It All Started in a Bank' and that takes place some time after 'The Blind Banker' and before 'The Great Game' which is when this story also takes place.

* * *

John was the first one to find out what happens when you interrupt the Holmes brothers when they are having a row with each other.

He was just coming home from having a bad day at the surgery and then he had had a row with the Chip and PIN machine, though he was starting to wonder if Mycroft was behind his troubles with them just for chuckles as no one else seemed to have any trouble with them and it would explain why Sherlock always carried cash and why he didn't bother with the damn things.

Both of these things combined caused him to start to have a headache. He hoped no one was murdered and Sherlock was simply experimenting with heads or toes or arms or something so he could just take two pills and lay down.

By the time he arrived at 221B Baker Street, his head was thumping in time with his heart.

_'Just perfect,'_ thought John as he struggled to open the door. _'It's getting worse.'_

"John, dear, how are you?" asked Mrs. Hudson who had a hammer in her hand.

John didn't want to know why she had a hammer in her hand at that moment but figured he could offer to help her while simultaneously hoping she didn't take him up on it; his head really hurt.

"Mrs. Hudson, I'm doing okay. I'm working on a headache at the moment though. Do you need any help?" said John as he closed the door with his foot as he had some groceries in his hands.

Mrs. Hudson, who knew John only complained about something when it was bad, said, "No, dear, it's fine. Go right on up to your apartment and take something for your headache and lie down. I can handle it."

John gave her a relieved smile, which she returned though hers was just her regular smile, and headed upstairs to his apartment.

When he walked in, an unwelcomed sight greeted him. Sherlock and Mycroft were having a row, and from what words he could hear as he was intentionally ignoring them so his headache, which he belatedly realized is probably a migraine since their voices and lights in the apartment where really irksome and made his head throb more, they were having a row over something as stupid as what Sherlock was watching on the telly, which was turned off, when Mycroft arrived. His migraine went up a notch and he stupidly made a comment which made them both shut up and look at him scathingly.

Funny, he can't remember what he just said, though it probably was just, "Be quiet please, I have a migraine," but he could tell he was going to get an earful from both of them, as they both looked like they were going to team up against him. Looks like those two sweet pills of relief and his bed were going to have to wait a little while longer… his poor head.

Sherlock and Mycroft started out very simple and started to insult just his intelligence which they did every time they saw him so he was able to ignore them somewhat as he imagined what those two sweet pills of relief would do to his throbbing head. He wondered if Sherlock and Mycroft were too angry to see that he was in pain or just didn't care. He would bet on the latter. Sherlock and Mycroft didn't miss anything, even in an angry state.

Then when they realized that John wasn't reacting to the insults on his intelligence, they started to insult his clothes and his childhood home. John only bristled slightly that they were able to know where he lived as a child, which they zeroed in on, but ignored the comments about his clothes as he has heard far worse about them from his sister.

As they were insulting his childhood home, who does that by the way, he thought that if the Holmes brothers could actually stand each other longer than it takes to insult someone who interrupts their argument, which John had made a mental note already not to do even with a migraine, than the world as everyone knew it would be in serious trouble as they were really quite creative when they worked together. No doubt about it.

As if they both read that thought cross his mind, they both started to insult his job and how he mustn't be a very good doctor if he didn't have very many hours at the surgery or his own practice.

Okay, John could admit that one stung a little as they both knew very well that his full-time job was chasing after Sherlock.

Then as if sensing weakness and knowing that they wanted to go for a kill shot, they went even further but insulting his Army career and how he ended up coming home.

Okay, John could admit that that one stung even worse than insulting his doctor career as they both were very much well aware as to what happened.

As if sensing that they might have crossed a line, but not finished by a long shot, they went back to insulting things that didn't really matter in the long run, such as his choice of tea and his preferred brand of milk.

After what seemed like forever to his migraine and, though he was loathed to admit it, slightly stung heart after what they said about his doctor and Army career, John was saved by Mrs. Hudson coming in with her hammer and his mobile phone ringing five minutes after the insult to his Army career, though he ignored the phone when he saw it was his sister, Harry, calling. He didn't need berated any more with this migraine since he had yet to take his two sweet pills of relief for it yet.

Mrs. Hudson takes John down into her apartment and lets him escape those, well it's probably not the nicest she has ever called the Holmes brothers and probably doesn't need repeating, and telling Sherlock and Mycroft not to leave the apartment, and they weren't going to argue and not listen to her, not after what her husband was sentence to death for and while she was waving the hammer in their direction.

Back in her apartment, she lets him take some of her herbal soothers along with his two sweet pills of relief, even though he knows he shouldn't but his head is killing him, and rest down there until Mycroft and Sherlock both leave, after she goes back up into his apartment and giving both, Sherlock and Mycroft, an earful that he can hear her muffled voice all the way down here. Who knew Mrs. Hudson knew such vulgar words?

When she comes back down some time later, John must have fallen asleep at some point as he missed some things, he tells Mrs. Hudson, sleepily, "If you ever walk in on Sherlock and Mycroft having a row, turn around and leave. If they call you back, ignore them and keep on walking."

"Oh, John," said Mrs. Hudson, "Go to sleep. They won't ever do that to you again. Trust me."

"Yes, Mrs. Hudson," said John and as he fell asleep, he wondered what she did to them as he heard the grin in her voice.

He finds out the next day what she did when he wakes up and he can't help but grin and ask her if he can use her as a threat if he catches them rowing or yelling at someone else for interrupting their row.

"Don't make a habit of it, though, dear. I'm not going to be your enforcer," was Mrs. Hudson's reply with a grin.

"I wouldn't dream of it," said John with a grin as he went up to his apartment after giving her a grateful hug.

Sherlock and Mycroft don't apologize outright, John doesn't think a Holmes knows how to, but if John had more patients at the surgery than anyone else, he didn't argue and if his bank account had just that much more money in it, not much just last month's rent plus interest, he again, didn't say anything, nor did he say anything about the free rides he was getting from 221B Baker Street to anywhere he needed to go and back, courtesy of the black car that was waiting for him, for the next month. He was also shocked when the Chip and PIN machines started working for him for that same month which confirmed his suspicions, Mycroft did do something with them just to get laughs, and Sherlock surprisingly knows how to clean up after himself, at least for that same month, and replace things when he uses the end of the milk.

And if the next time, he came home with a headache, he had more medicine than was needed and was immediately told by both Sherlock, in person, and Mycroft, via text, to take two pills and go lie down, who was he to argue?

* * *

Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade was the second person to find out what happens when you interrupt Sherlock and Mycroft when they were having a row with each other.

Lestrade was having a bad morning.

First, he was woken up at three o'clock in the morning, which made his wife very unhappy as always when he gets calls this early in the morning, to go to a murder scene. Luckily, he didn't have to call Sherlock in, yet. He usually liked to have three related killings/murders before he was forced to consult Sherlock and this was only the second, especially since eight five percent of the time, they could solve it on their own. Hopefully, this would be the last one but he didn't see that happening as they didn't have any more leads now than they did with the first crime.

The second bad thing that happened to him was that as soon as he came back to the Yard, his boss called him into his office and proceeded to chew him out over something that wasn't really his fault. He had no control over how people decided to use the copying machine and being told otherwise for twenty-five minutes would put a damper in anyone's mood when they are trying to solve a more important crime. Being written up for insubordination was totally unfair in this case.

The third bad thing that happened to him was that his car had gotten a flat and he had only discovered it when he tried to leave for lunch. Now normally this would be no big deal but his spare was also flat and he had no idea when that happened. Normally, he would ride with others, but the way his day was going, he would probably be written up for sexual harassment or something so this was why at this moment he was walking outside, drinking the remainder of his drink from his lunch. Hopefully, his afternoon would be better.

He walked through the doors to the Yard and headed towards his office, ignoring everyone and looked to his office and his hopes were immediately dashed. His afternoon was not going to be better. Sherlock Holmes and his brother, who had kidnapped him once and he found out later his name was Mycroft, were in his office and it looked like they were arguing with each other.

Lestrade let out a sigh, ignored what Sergeant Donovan said about Sherlock though he could guess what was said, and headed towards his office, looking like he was headed towards the gallows. If he knew what was going to happen once he opened the door and stepped into his office and said something, he might have just preferred the gallows.

Unfortunately, he didn't know, so he opened the door, threw away his empty cup and shut the door again. He did all of that without the Holmes brothers looking at him as they were engaged in their row, which from what Lestrade could tell was about what they had for lunch as they were forced to dine together and John was working but he should be here shortly. Oh that last part was directed at him.

"Thanks but why are you here?" asked Lestrade going around to sit at his desk. If he knew what that simple question was going to induce along with his thanks, he would have kept them to himself. He had a lot of regret today. He never should have gotten out of bed at three in the morning and that should have been his first hint.

The looks both Sherlock and Mycroft shot him would have killed the most violent of criminals. As one they both started to insult his tie of all things. Well, thank you very much his wife got it for him last Christmas and he had to do something to appease her this morning. He simply raised his eyebrow as if daring them to try something else as that wasn't working on him.

Well, like he thought, Lestrade had a lot of regret today as both Sherlock and Mycroft rose to the suppose dare magnificently and started to insult his intelligence, which was nothing new when dealing with a Holmes but then they tied his intelligence to his typing ability which they then tied to his report making skill which they then tied to his case solving skill by pointing out that he had seven cold cases.

Okay, Lestrade could admit that them pointing out how many failures, as he looked at cold cases as, he had kind of stung as that was a sore spot with any detective. He then thought that if Sherlock and Mycroft could ever get along long enough beside to insult someone's intelligence, the world would be in trouble.

As if sensing Lestrade's weakness about the cold cases and the perceived insult about working together, both Sherlock and Mycroft upped their insults, if that was possible, and went straight for the throat by telling him how much of a failure he was as a Detective Inspector and how he wasn't fit to do anything but shine his own shoes. They also went on to say that it was no wonder his wife was always angry with him.

It was at this point, there was a knock on his office door and he said, "It's open. Come in."

The door was opened by John and he stood there and took in the scene. His eyes moved between Lestrade who was sitting behind his desk quietly and Sherlock and Mycroft who were standing in front of Lestrade's desk looking angry and figured out what happened, having just recently been on the receiving end. Well, it was his turn to save someone from Sherlock and Mycroft's temper.

"Detective Inspector," started John and wasn't he formal sounding all of sudden, "you have a flat on your car. I can help you change it right now if you got a moment?"

"Yes," said Lestrade at once standing up. Anything to get away from Sherlock and his crazy brother right now.

"Great," said John as Lestrade moved towards his door. "Can you give me a moment though? I want to talk to both Sherlock and Mycroft for a moment."

"If your sure?" said Lestrade and after the chewing out he got just a moment ago for asking a simple question, he was right to sound hesitant.

Much to Lestrade's surprise and Sherlock's and Mycroft's, John grinned and said, "Yes, I'm sure. I just want to remind them both of something."

"All right. I'll meet you by door," said Lestrade and he left his own office and shut the door, though he stopped outside by Sergeant Donovan's now empty desk to watch through the window to see what would happen.

John had crossed his arms across his chest and was talking calmly to both Sherlock and Mycroft who both seemed to have paled and were nodding their heads in agreement to whatever John was saying. At this moment, Lestrade could care less what John was saying and was only hoping that it was going to stick and he would never have to go through something like that again.

A few minutes later John came out of his office saying, "You had better do it, Sherlock, Mycroft or I'll tell her."

"We'll do it, John," said both Sherlock and Mycroft together and they both left the office, not looking once in Lestrade's direction.

John walked over to Lestrade and said, "Ready to fix your flat?"

"Yeah… What did you say to them?" asked Lestrade, sounding curious.

"I just reminded them what happened when they did the same to me," said John as they headed towards the car park.

Lestrade winced. So he wasn't the first. He asked, "Who saved you? I don't remember seeing them together anywhere around here or where I would have been so it must have happened at your flat."

John nodded his head and said, "Mrs. Hudson and her hammer."

Lestrade stared at him as he continued to walk. He could do both.

"Seriously?" he asked.

"Yeah and she gave them a good talking to especially since they did it when I had a migraine," said John, nodding his head.

Lestrade winced again as he opened the door, step outside and said, "Ouch."

"Yeah, she wasn't happy and neither was I especially since all I said was, 'Please be quiet, I have a migraine,'" said John as he walked out the door.

Lestrade nodded sympathetically and said, "All I said was, 'Thanks but why are you here.'"

John nodded sympathetically as well and said, "I'll tell you what I told Mrs. Hudson but you probably don't need it now, if you ever see Sherlock and Mycroft rowing, just turn around, walk away and pretend you didn't see them or hear them if they start calling your name."

Lestrade nodded and said once they reached his car, "Good advice. Do you know of anyone who has a spare? My spare tire is flat as well."

But as soon as he said it, a black car rolled up and stopped beside them, a man got out, opened the boot of the car, took out a spare tire and gave it to Lestrade. He got back into his car without saying anything and the car drove off.

Lestrade just stared after the car for a moment, then he turned to John and asked, "What was that?"

"Mycroft and Sherlock starting to apologize. They won't say anything but they will do things for you so don't look a gift horse in a mouth," responded John.

Lestrade looked like he didn't want to accept the tire or anything else for a moment before he nodded his head in agreement before they started to change his tire and the spare he was given fit perfectly.

When they were finished, Lestrade asked, "Do you know why they were here to begin with?"

"No, Sherlock just said to meet him here but I guess I can go home now unless you need something?" said John.

"No, I don't need anything. I see you later then," said Lestrade, shaking John's hand.

"Later," said John, shaking Lestrade's hand and getting into a black car that was waiting for him.

Lestrade shook his head and went back inside to work on his case.

Over the course of the next month, Sherlock and Mycroft both apologized by first taking care of his bills for a month. How they managed that, Lestrade didn't want to know, nor did he want to know how they knew what his wife's favorite opera singer was and how they got two tickets on his night off for them to see her perform. He also didn't want to know how they got rid of his insubordination mark in his file about the whole copying machine incident with his boss nor how they set up a seminar about the proper uses of a copying machine and what sexual harassment actually is, both of which he didn't have to attend but everyone else in the office did. Also when he did have to call Sherlock in to consult on the recent case, he was on his best behavior, only making degrading comments about Anderson and Sergeant Donovan and leaving everyone else alone.

Overall Lestrade thought that month of happiness on his part more than made up for that one bad morning and afternoon.

* * *

Sergeant Sally Donovan and Anderson were the third and fourth people, respectively, to find out what happens when someone interrupts the Holmes brothers having a row.

John and Sherlock were with Mycroft when the call came in that they were needed at the recent crime scene and since Mycroft wasn't done talking to his brother, he offered/ordered to take his brother there and they were involved in a row ever since.

John, having learned his lesson from before, didn't say a word to either of them and sat there in silence as he got his phone out and sent a text to Lestrade to warn him about the impending doom which Lestrade acknowledged with a text of his own that is best not repeated.

When the car stopped, John opened the door, not waiting for the driver, who didn't blame him, and went to find Lestrade right away. Luckily he wasn't that far from where the car stopped.

"How bad is it?" asked Lestrade at once.

"Bad…" said John and that is as far as he got because Sherlock and Mycroft had both reached where they were standing and they were still rowing. Lestrade just pointed Sherlock where he needed to be without saying a word and Sherlock heading there without breaking in his argument with Mycroft.

"Did you warn the others?" asked John.

"No one really believed me," said Lestrade.

"I hope no one is idiotic enough to interrupt them," said John with a grimace.

"According to Sherlock, the entire Scotland Yard is an idiot so there probably is no hope for it," said Lestrade with a slight grin that wasn't entirely showing amusement.

"Right," said John. "Do you want to run interference on the unsuspecting soul who does interrupt?"

"Depends who it is," said Lestrade with a shrug.

John stared at him incredulously.

"What? Some of them have been annoying me like no tomorrow. If it gets too bad, then we can interfere, like we always do when somebody puts their foot in it," said Lestrade.

John just continued to stare at him for a moment before he said, "You know, depending on who it is, it could be amusing."

Lestrade nodded his head and said, "Personally, I'm hoping for Anderson though don't tell anyone. I am suppose to be more mature than something petty."

John grinned for a moment and said, "What did Anderson do?"

Lestrade shrugged and didn't elaborate.

John response to that was interrupted by someone else who said, "Who's that with the Freak? Somebody else replacing your job already?"

"Sergeant Donovan," sighed Lestrade, "I thought you were questioning witnesses?"

"They didn't see anything. Why does it look like the Freak is arguing with that guy more than doing his freak show thing? Aren't you going to do anything about it?" Sergeant Donovan said.

"No," said Lestrade, reminding her. "You don't interrupt him when he is arguing with that man."

"Scared?" asked Sergeant Donovan with a slight sneer and without waiting for a response from either man, she went over to the two arguing men.

"Sergeant Donovan, wait!" said Lestrade, sounding somewhat panicked.

"Oh, this isn't going to be good," said John with his head in his hand.

"No," agreed Lestrade.

"Hey Freak, what are-" started Sergeant Donovan and that is as far as she got before both Sherlock and Mycroft both turned to her and gave her a look that made her and everyone around her feel like they were nothing both dirt beneath their shoes, if that.

After that, they both simultaneously started to insult her hair and what she was wearing and what that said about her intelligence.

"You know," said Lestrade after a moment, "If they didn't spend all their time together rowing and then insulting people who interrupt their rows, the world would be in trouble because they can come up with some pretty creative things and compliment each other well."

"Yeah, I thought the same thing as I was being insulted," said John nodded.

Sherlock and Mycroft, as if sensing what Lestrade and John were talking about or perhaps Sergeant Donovan's lack of reaction to their insults thus far, upped their insults to include her childhood home, her dog, her relationship with men in general and wondering if she spends all her time on her knees in Anderson's presence and if that is why her intelligence is what it is.

As if summoned by the mentioning of his name, Anderson appeared by Lestrade's shoulder as Sergeant Donovan's eye widened at the last insult and Lestrade and John winced as that was kind of harsh.

Anderson took in the scene and then said, "Why haven't you two done something?" And without waiting for an answer he walked right over to Sherlock, Mycroft and Sergeant Donovan.

"What is with my team asking me questions and then not waiting for answers?" asked Lestrade.

"No idea, though they should when it comes to Sherlock," said John.

"They definitely should since no one else but me appears to call him in on cases," said Lestrade, nodding his head.

Anderson had reached their side when Sherlock and Mycroft both spotted him and instead of ignoring him or stopping like they usually do when someone else interrupts their insulting, they continue to insult both Anderson and Donovan. They insult everything from their degrees, where they went to school, their relationship with each other and how it is strictly forbidden ("Naughty, naughty," was Mycroft's comment to them if John wasn't mistaken), to their bedroom activities, which cause Anderson and Donovan to blush and John and Lestrade to try to hide their eyes like they couldn't believe it was happening, even if they were somewhat amused. Sherlock and Mycroft even insulted their future children ("Hopefully not to each other or else there would be no hope for the children," again Mycroft's comment), before Mycroft's mobile rang and he had to answer it.

After Mycroft was done talking on the phone, he turned to his brother and said, "I have to go now, I'll trust you have a way back to your apartment."

"Bye Mycroft," said Sherlock not even looking at his brother from his stare down with Anderson and Donovan.

Mycroft gave Anderson and Donovan his own last scathing look before he left, nodding towards John and Lestrade who nodded back, got in his car and left.

Sherlock gave Anderson and Donovan his own last scathing look before he called Lestrade and John over to tell them what he found out.

There were incredulous looks from many at that as they just witnessed him spending twenty minutes insulting Sergeant Donovan and Anderson with a man and another ten minutes before that arguing with the same man he was doing the insulting with, though after that rather spectacular and vicious display of insults, no one was going to say anything.

After Sherlock calmly told Lestrade his findings and explained further when John asked or didn't understand something, Sherlock and John took their leave from the crime scene. When they were a few blocks away, Sherlock stopped and then so did John.

"You're not going to make us apologize to Anderson and Donovan are you?" asked Sherlock, sounding unsure for a moment.

"Do you want to?" asked John.

"No, we weren't really rowing after we got out of the car," confessed Sherlock.

John raised his eyebrows.

"Mycroft wanted to get back at Sergeant Donovan for always calling me a 'Freak.' Something about 'Big Brother Prerogative' to stick up for younger brothers when they hear about them being mistreated and then I heard what Anderson did to Lestrade…" said Sherlock trailing off.

John stared for a moment and then said, "Okay I get that about Mycroft but what did Anderson do to Lestrade?"

Sherlock told him and John stared at him for a moment and said, "You were almost too easy on him."

"That's what I thought but Mycroft thought we did splendidly and will send the video to me later. Apparently he had someone tape it and make copies. I may just throw it away," said Sherlock with a shrug and started to walk again.

John spent the rest of the walk explaining how he should keep his copy for blackmail material in case Sergeant Donovan and Anderson need a reminder of it later and making a mental note to tell Lestrade the entire story behind it later because maybe he would like a copy as well.

* * *

A/N2: Also for anyone reading 'It All Started in a Bank, I'm working on the next chapter and I'm almost done with it so it should be up either Monday or Tuesday hopefully. It is turning out to be longer than I thought.


End file.
